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The Uncomfortable Truth About How We See People

Let me share something that took me years to understand.

Every person you’ve ever admired has qualities you’d despise if you knew about them. Every person you’ve written off has strengths you’d respect if you looked closely enough. The complete human being—with all their contradictions, flaws, and virtues—exists whether we choose to see them or not.

But here’s what we actually do: When we follow someone, support them, or love them, we see only their good side. Their mistakes become “understandable circumstances.” Their flaws become “quirky personality traits.” Their failures become “temporary setbacks.”

And when we unfollow someone, oppose them, or dislike them? Suddenly we see only their bad side. Their achievements become “luck” or “manipulation.” Their good qualities become “fake.” Their successes become “undeserved.”

This isn’t a character flaw. It’s how the human brain is wired. But it’s also a prison—one that keeps us making terrible decisions about who to trust, who to follow, and who to become.

Why Your Brain Shows You Only Half the Picture

Your brain isn’t designed for truth. It’s designed for efficiency and survival.

Processing a complete, nuanced picture of every person you meet would be exhausting. So your brain takes shortcuts. It creates categories: friend or foe, good or bad, trustworthy or suspicious. Once someone is placed in a category, your brain filters all incoming information to confirm that placement.

Psychologists call this confirmation bias, and it’s one of the most powerful forces shaping human perception.

When you admire someone, your brain literally filters out contradictory information. You’ll remember their kindness and forget their cruelty. You’ll notice their wisdom and overlook their foolishness. You’ll excuse behavior in them that you’d condemn in others.

The reverse happens when you dislike someone. Your brain becomes a prosecutor, gathering evidence for a case it’s already decided. Every action gets interpreted in the worst possible light. Their generosity becomes “showing off.” Their confidence becomes “arrogance.” Their success becomes “proof of their manipulation.”

Neither picture is real. Both are constructions—stories your brain tells to maintain the simplicity it craves.

Case Study: The Rise and Fall of Heroes

Think about how public figures are treated.

When a celebrity, politician, or business leader is rising, the media and public see only their brilliance. Their early struggles become “inspiring origin stories.” Their aggressive tactics become “visionary leadership.” Their wealth becomes “proof of value creation.”

Then something shifts. Maybe a scandal breaks. Maybe their politics change. Maybe the cultural winds simply turn against them.

Suddenly, the same person is viewed completely differently. Those early struggles? “Privilege they’re hiding.” That aggressive leadership? “Toxic behavior we should have seen.” That wealth? “Exploitation of workers.”

The person didn’t change. The filter through which we viewed them changed.

Consider how people viewed Steve Jobs. During Apple’s rise, his demanding perfectionism was celebrated as the key to innovation. After his death, when critical biographies emerged, that same perfectionism was reframed as cruelty and abuse. Both pictures contained truth. Neither was complete.

Or look at any politician. Their supporters see a principled leader fighting for what’s right. Their opponents see a corrupt manipulator destroying the country. Same person. Same actions. Completely different interpretations based on which filter is applied.

The Three Filters That Distort Your Vision

Understanding why we see people incompletely requires examining the filters we use.

Filter One: The Halo Effect

When someone impresses us in one area, we assume they’re impressive in all areas. A successful entrepreneur must also be wise about relationships. A beautiful person must also be kind. A confident speaker must also be knowledgeable.

This is the halo effect—one positive trait creates a “halo” that makes everything else look positive too.

I once worked with a brilliant software developer. His technical skills were genuinely exceptional. Because of this, people assumed his management advice was equally valuable. They followed his recommendations on team structure, hiring, and company culture. The results were disastrous. His technical genius didn’t translate to interpersonal wisdom at all.

The halo effect blinded everyone—including him—to his limitations.

Filter Two: The Horn Effect

The horn effect is the halo’s evil twin. One negative trait creates “horns” that make everything look negative.

If someone is physically unattractive, we unconsciously assume they’re also less intelligent, less competent, and less trustworthy. If someone has a different political view, we assume their judgment is poor in all areas. If someone made one major mistake, we assume they’re fundamentally flawed.

I know a man who served prison time for financial fraud in his twenties. He’s now in his fifties, having spent decades rebuilding his life, volunteering in his community, and mentoring young people away from the mistakes he made. But when people learn about his past, many instantly dismiss everything good he’s done since. The “horns” of his old crime overshadow thirty years of genuine change.

Filter Three: Tribal Loyalty

Perhaps the most powerful filter is tribal identity. Once someone is identified as part of “our group”—whether political, religious, professional, or social—their flaws become invisible or excusable. And once someone is identified as part of “their group,” their virtues become invisible or suspicious.

Watch how sports fans view referees. When a call goes against their team, the referee is blind, biased, or corrupt. When the same type of call goes for their team, the referee is simply enforcing the rules correctly. Same referee. Same standards. Different tribal filter.

This tribal filtering explains much of our polarized world. We don’t see people as complex individuals. We see them as representatives of groups we support or oppose.

The Real Cost of One-Sided Vision

Seeing people incompletely isn’t just philosophically problematic. It causes real damage in real lives.

Broken Relationships

How many marriages have ended because partners saw each other through distorted filters? In the beginning, the halo effect makes everything magical. Your partner’s messiness is “adorable.” Their quietness is “mysterious depth.” Their stubbornness is “knowing what they want.”

Years later, after conflicts accumulate, the horn effect takes over. That same messiness becomes “disrespectful.” That quietness becomes “emotional unavailability.” That stubbornness becomes “inability to compromise.”

The person didn’t fundamentally change. Your filter did. And because you never learned to see both sides simultaneously, you can’t find the real person beneath your projections.

Career Disasters

I’ve watched talented people destroy their careers by seeing colleagues one-dimensionally.

They trusted the wrong people because the halo effect blinded them to warning signs. They made enemies of potential allies because the horn effect prevented them from seeing common ground. They joined the wrong organizations because tribal loyalty overrode careful evaluation.

One executive I knew refused to hire anyone from a competitor company. His reasoning? “Those people have a toxic culture.” He passed on multiple candidates who would have been perfect fits, all because he couldn’t see individuals separately from his perception of their former employer.

Wasted Potential

When we see ourselves one-dimensionally, we limit our own growth.

Some people are trapped by a positive self-image that prevents them from acknowledging weaknesses. They can’t improve because they can’t see what needs improving. Their halo effect, turned inward, creates blind spots that sabotage their development.

Others are trapped by a negative self-image that prevents them from acknowledging strengths. They can’t leverage their gifts because they don’t believe they have any. Their horn effect, turned inward, creates a prison of self-doubt.

The Story of Two Business Partners

Let me tell you about Rahul and Vikram.

They started a company together in their twenties. Rahul was the visionary—creative, inspiring, always seeing possibilities. Vikram was the operator—systematic, careful, always seeing risks. For years, their partnership thrived because they balanced each other.

Then they had a major disagreement about the company’s direction. The conflict turned bitter. They stopped speaking except through lawyers.

After the split, I talked to each of them separately.

Rahul described Vikram as “a small-minded bureaucrat who was always holding me back. He never believed in anything. He was just collecting a paycheck while I did all the real work. I should have seen it from the beginning.”

Vikram described Rahul as “a reckless dreamer who almost bankrupted us multiple times. He took all the credit while I cleaned up his messes. He’s a narcissist who used everyone around him. I should have seen it from the beginning.”

Here’s what struck me: Both descriptions contained truth. And both were completely incomplete.

Rahul was genuinely visionary—and genuinely reckless. Vikram was genuinely systematic—and genuinely risk-averse to a fault. Their partnership worked when each compensated for the other’s weaknesses. It fell apart when each could only see the other’s weaknesses.

Neither man was the villain they now believed. Neither was the hero they once believed. Both were complicated humans with genuine strengths and genuine flaws, now invisible to each other behind walls of resentment.

How to See Both Sides: Practical Techniques

Seeing people completely is a skill. Like any skill, it can be developed with practice.

Technique One: The Opposite Question

When you find yourself viewing someone positively, deliberately ask: “What are this person’s weaknesses? What could they be wrong about? What might they be hiding?”

When you find yourself viewing someone negatively, deliberately ask: “What are this person’s strengths? What might they be right about? What good qualities am I missing?”

This isn’t about being cynical or naive. It’s about forcing your brain to look where it doesn’t want to look.

Technique Two: The Outsider Perspective

Imagine someone with no prior opinion meeting this person for the first time. What would they notice that you’re overlooking?

Your filters are built from your history with someone. An outsider has no such history. By imagining their perspective, you can sometimes see past your own accumulated biases.

Technique Three: The Track Record Review

Instead of judging someone by how you feel about them right now, examine their actual track record.

What have they actually done over time? Not what you remember—what actually happened? Look at evidence, not impressions. Look at patterns, not incidents.

Often, the track record reveals a more nuanced picture than your emotional filter allows.

Technique Four: The Percentage Game

Try to estimate what percentage of someone’s actions are positive versus negative. Not 100% versus 0%. Not “good person” versus “bad person.” An actual percentage.

Most people, honestly evaluated, fall somewhere between 40% and 60%. Very few are purely good or purely bad. Putting a number on it forces you out of black-and-white thinking.

Technique Five: The Source Check

Ask yourself where your impression of someone came from.

Did you form it from direct experience? From secondhand reports? From group opinions? From a single incident that looms large in memory?

Understanding the source of your perception helps you evaluate its reliability.

The Goal: Informed Decisions, Not Perfect People

Here’s the crucial insight: Seeing both sides isn’t about finding perfect people. Perfect people don’t exist. It’s about making informed decisions.

When you see someone completely—their genuine strengths and genuine weaknesses—you can decide whether to trust them with appropriate scope. You might trust their expertise in one area while being cautious about another. You might follow their lead in their domain of competence while thinking independently in their blind spots.

This is how mature relationships work. You don’t expect your partner to be flawless. You accept them as they actually are—good and bad—and love them anyway while maintaining realistic expectations.

This is how effective leadership works. You don’t pretend your team members are perfect. You see their strengths clearly enough to deploy them wisely and their weaknesses clearly enough to compensate for them.

This is how good citizenship works. You don’t expect leaders to be saints. You evaluate their actual competence, actual integrity, and actual results—understanding that all will be imperfect.

The Liberation of Complete Seeing

There’s a freedom that comes from seeing people completely.

You stop being devastated when heroes disappoint you—because you never expected perfection. You stop being shocked when opponents show virtue—because you always knew they had some. You stop wasting energy on worship or condemnation—because you understand everyone is a mixture.

Most importantly, you start seeing yourself completely too.

You are not the hero of your own story, flawless and misunderstood. You are not the villain, fundamentally broken and irredeemable. You are a human being—capable of great good and real harm, genuine wisdom and profound foolishness, admirable courage and embarrassing cowardice.

Accepting this about yourself makes it possible to accept it about everyone else.

The Practice Continues

I won’t pretend I’ve mastered this. I still catch myself falling into one-sided perception constantly. I still idealize people I like and demonize people I don’t. The filters run deep.

But awareness helps. Each time I catch myself seeing someone one-dimensionally, I can pause and look for what I’m missing. Each time I notice my tribal loyalties distorting my perception, I can step back and try to see the individual.

It’s not about achieving perfect objectivity—that’s impossible for humans. It’s about being a little less wrong, a little more complete, a little more fair in how we see the people around us.

Every person has two sides. The question isn’t whether this is true—it always is. The question is whether we’ll develop the courage and skill to see both.

Your decisions, your relationships, your understanding of the world—they all depend on your answer.

Download Free PDF Guide: Understanding Human Nature and Balanced Perception